Feeling Hopeful

I am a living contradiction.

One side of me likes blood and gore and darkness and the cold. I like inflicting pain on other people, wearing black clothes, seeing myself stained with blood and covered with cuts and bruises.

This side of me is sadistic and twisted and possibly psychopathic, and this is how most of the people close to me know me.

The other side of me is cheerful and pleasant and happy. This is the Jen who loves being cuddled and petted, who likes it when people call her a doll, who thrives on adoration from people.

When I’m like this I like bubbles and stars and pale, pretty dresses. This is when I love sitting in sunshine and blowing on dandelions and chasing balloons and popping bubbles. This is the Jen who loves sunflowers and daisies and cute, sparkly things. This is the Jen who loves the world.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. Maybe it’s because I woke up happy? I dreamt that someone gave me some sunflowers and white balloons but it was so foggy that I couldn’t see him. But the dream made me feel so special.

And also…it’s just that…for the first time, I feel like these two sides of me are closing the gap.

It’s scary and exhilarating but now I finally found acceptance for both sides of my personality and I don’t feel as conflicted any longer.

And it’s nice.



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