Have you ever thought how easier life would be if people came with instructions? There would be less misunderstandings and fewer problems! Earlier today, my best friend asked me for a user guide because he thought I was a complex person. I don’t think I am, but the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea.
Because of that, I decided to write this! It’s a simple yet foolproof instruction manual on how to handle me. I made the sections alphabetical so it would be easier to understand!
Post dedicated to le best friend! Hello! *waves*
Good day! Congratulations on acquiring your very own custom best friend! This model is one-of-a-kind and a bit glitchy, but once you get it running, you won’t just have a best friend – you’ll have a capable, goal-oriented, occasionally amusing person with several built-in functions and modes (i.e. big sister mode, field marshal mode, ninja assassin mode, kawaii mode).
Thank you for signing over your soul to us to acquire our Jen model! Just read the enclosed user guide for minimum damage and bloodshed, and you’ll be all set and ready to go.
OFFICIAL USER GUIDE
Namely peanuts, pollen, dust, iodine from seafood. If showing signs of allergic reaction or anaphylaxis (red lips and cheeks, trouble breathing), extract small medical pouch from left pocket of backpack and take out EpiPen. Stab once. Flick her forehead when she recovers.
Refuse to be swayed by her “but my doctor said I don’t need to go today” lies. Immunosuppressive therapy is 8 hours for four days, every three months, unless otherwise stated by physician. She will be irritable and antisocial and probably physically clingy during IST.
Half emotionless, half mischievous. Contrary to popular belief, Jen is not sly or manipulative. She does what she wants when she wants, so what you see is what you get. Attempts at playing mind games with her will be met with stubborn aggression.
Has a tendency to hoard books. Keep away from bookstores during sales. Will probably nerdgasm over an unabridged Oxford English Dictionary.
The three individuals Jen loves the most. Will probably conquer a small country if that will benefit any of them.
Jen has an unfortunate history with cats. They hate her, she hates them back. Keep them away from each other.
Only black. Bright colours will be discarded.
A flick on the forehead that means ‘idiot. you made me worry.’
Can go with long period of time without eating, followed by nonstop consumption. Tends to gravitate towards fruit, sushi, raw steak and candy. Has a penchant for eating ice chips. Food/drink that will be met with violent resistance includes anything bitter, steak cooked beyond rare, pork, shellfish and seafood, etc.
i.e. expendable people who happen to be amusing.
i.e. hieroglyphs. Do not attempt to decipher. Ask for a typewritten copy of needed document instead.
Height jokes are programmed to be met with consequent knee-kicking or sharp biting.
Expose at your own risk! Jen in hot weather will be cranky and uncomfortable. In case of accidental exposure, lock her inside a dimly-lit room with industrial-strength air conditioning and a cold glass of water.
Deadpan, gallows humour. If you’re unsure whether what she says is a joke or not, it probably is.
Exposure to this particular noise will result in unearthly shrieking.
i.e. because medical school takes too long.
In case of incidences involving pain, head petting and making soothing noises is acceptable. Assuring her that you will decapitate the cause of pain and present it to her on a pike will be met with happier acceptance.
Pokemon is <3, Pokemon is life.
Any attempts to evangelize, baptize, or exorcise Jen will result in violent reaction.
Too much sugar will result in hyperactivity. Try at your own risk.
Varies depending on energy expended. Lack of sleep will cause lethargy and random episodes of falling asleep in random situations. Too much sleep will cause crankiness. Recommended daily allowance of sleep is 6 hours.
The most vile colour that exists in the universe. The only yellow things she likes are yellowcake uranium and Pikachu.
– end –
All right, there you go! I hope it helps. 😛
The most perfect food in the universe and Jen’s nutrient source of choice after long rampages.
Unlockable feature following high sugar consumption. Has the tendency to play pranks, get into trouble, hide under furniture, send 20 crying/smiling emojis in one message, and come up with plans of global destruction.
Afternoon ritual shared with best friend involving tea, books, and episodes of narcissism. Black tea is the best. Tea that looks like watercolour water is not.
Best Friend’s Reaction (because he’s very difficult to please. INTJs pls)
“I didn’t know my soul was at stake. I should have read the terms of agreement.”
“You forgot psycho mode. Include unlockable features and easter eggs~”
“Saved for offline use.”
“I think offering my soul was worth it.”
Thank you for deeming the exchange of your soul worthy. We are glad you are happy with the exchange, because purchase of the best friend (Jen model) is non-refundable and she is bound to you for life.